I have recently discovered something I never thought of before. I have started to see things in a whole new way and it is radically changing my life . It has taken me a life time or at least fiftyeight years to learn. I wish I had figured this out a long time ago and lived accordingly. Which is why I decided I should share it with anyone willing to read this. Possibly you can learn from my experience and this can have a radical effect on your life and point of view too.
You see most of my life when anything happened that was difficult, painful, hurtfull, seemed negative I responded like most people. I was hurt, wondered why me again, felt rejected and unloved. After a while I began to feel insecure, wondered if anyone loved me, and even though I had many positive qualities I lacked real confidence.
I became a believer in Jesus Christ when I was about 13 years old. I remember how awesome I felt for the first time realizing God loved me and accepted me unconditionally. However, because of my past I had become very insecure and untrusting. I wanted to believe God loved me. I really wanted to believe it but up until that point in my life I didnt feel loved and didn’t trust anyone very much.
So it wasn’t long after I became a christian that I began to doubt Gods love for me. Even though I read it in the Bible and had learned He loved me so much He died on the cross to pay for my sins I just couldnt believe he really loved me.
Over the years more and more things happened in my life that convinced me I was right, God doesnt really love me. Or so I thought.
Things like my wife being diagnosed with cancer when she was only 28 years old and pregnant with our fifth child. Watching her suffer for two and a half years and eventually die in front of me and our five children. If God loved me why would he allow my family and I to suffer so deeply?
Or two years later when my second born daughter was diagnosed with cancer. She was 11 years old and a beautiful sweet child. Eleven months later much like her mother she died in our living room. Once again I began to wonder what kind of God had I decided to believe in when I was thirteen? If He loves me why does it feel like the opposite?
Then in 2005 my son was 15 and he was disgnosed with cancer. We spent the next year at MD Anderson. Thankfully he was cured yet 12 years later he is still living with an extremely high risk of getting cancer again.
There are many other circumstances that I have left out including a brief second marraige that blessed me with another son but only lasted two years as she abandoned us shortly after my daughters funeral.
Severe financial hardahip due to all the above. Broken relationships, friends like Job’s who judged me and wrote me off. More losses like my brother, 15 year old nephew, Dad, stepfather, and another brother.
By the time all this had happened I was living in deep dispair and had come to trust my circumstances more than God amd His word. Finally one day I screamed out at God while on my knees crying and said ” God I thought you were suppose to love me so why do I feel like you hate me? ”
It wasnt an audible voice but it was just as clear as could be, God brought to my mind the passage in Job where he says ” where were you when I spread the stars across the universe? when I caused the oceans to only go so far amd stop on the beach. Where are you while I am feeding and taking care of all my creation each day? He reminded me that I am just a man , a creature created by the soveriegn God of the universe. He said I love you! I have told you over and over in the Bible.
I showed you when I came to earth and became man and lived and died for you on the cross. You must decide if you are going to trust me or your circumstances.
That day I chose to trust God. I was still angry for all that had happened and I still didn’t like what happened and I doubt I ever will, but I knew for me I had no other choice.
I wasn’t about to reject God and the Bible. I started reading my bible again daily for the first time in about 10 years. Slowly I began to trust God. I started going back to church. I had never stopped completely but hadn’t been attending regularly for several years.
Slowly but surely I was beginning to believe God loved me.
On October 19th 2015 my 17 year old son from my second wife shot himself in the heart while laying on my bed in my bedroom. I was at work at the time but was soon notified that something was wrong . I raced home still not knowing what was going on and met the police outside my home. We went in together and I and a policeman walked into my room and found my son.
I fell to the ground in shock and grief screaming and crying out in pain not wanting to believe my own eyes.
In the past I had always viewed the tradgedies as confirmation that no one loved me and no one could be trusted, not even God.
However, this time I remebered the day three years earlier when God said trust me and not your circumstances and so I did. It wasnt easy, as matter of fact it was and still is very difficult.
But this is what changed and this is what I meant when I said God has changed my point of view, and it is radically changing me.
Over the past year and a half since my son died every time I miss him, grieve for him, or my wife and daughter and all the other stuff in my life instead of letting it push me away from God I see it as God calling me to Himself. Saying I love you! Cast all your cares upon me and let me care for you. When I am lonely since now all my children are grown and I live alone I hear God saying ” I promised I would never leave you or forsake you , Draw near to me and I will draw near to you. When I need direction I remember to ” lean not on my own understanding but trust the Lord with all your heart and He will direct your path”.
I have always been stubborn and it has taken me 58 years to learn to trust God, to listen, and I am still learning to obey but I am finding a sweet amd deep fellowship with Christ. The more I see events as God calling me saying David trust me, draw near to me , let me love you, let me show you how deep and wide my love for you is the better it gets.
When my son died the first week or two I just sang over and over Jesus loves me this I know for the Bible tells me so . I still sing it often and believe it more amd more each time.
I pray as you read this and if you are hurting or struggling you will be encouraged and learn from my experience what I wish I had learned along time ago. Jesus loves you no matter what your circumstances are.
He is calling you to trust Him so He can show you how much. Please ask Him to help you now. Trust Him and He will never let you down. Turn every temptation to sin , every hurt, every concern into Him reminding you of your need for a relationship with Him. Instead of turning away turn to Him and watch your life be transformed.