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Learning to Trust

I have recently discovered something I never thought of before. I have started to see things in a whole new way and it is radically changing my life . It has taken me a life time or at least fiftyeight years to learn. I wish I had figured this out a long time ago and lived accordingly. Which is why I decided I should share it with anyone willing to read this. Possibly you can learn from my experience and this can have a radical effect on your life and point of view too.

You see most of my life when anything happened that was difficult, painful, hurtfull, seemed negative I responded like most people. I was hurt, wondered why me again, felt rejected and unloved. After a while I began to feel insecure, wondered if anyone loved me, and even though I had many positive qualities I lacked real confidence.

I became a believer in Jesus Christ when I was about 13 years old. I remember how awesome I felt for the first time realizing God loved me and accepted me unconditionally. However, because of my past I had become very insecure and untrusting. I wanted to believe God loved me. I really wanted to believe it but up until that point in my life I didnt feel loved and didn’t trust anyone very much.

So it wasn’t long after I became a christian that I began to doubt Gods love for me. Even though I read it in the Bible and had learned He loved me so much He died on the cross to pay for my sins I just couldnt believe he really loved me.

Over the years more and more things happened in my life that convinced me I was right, God doesnt really love me. Or so I thought. 

Things like my wife being diagnosed with cancer when she was only 28 years old and pregnant with our fifth child. Watching her suffer for two and a half years and eventually die in front of me and our five children. If God loved me why would he allow my family and I to suffer so deeply?
Or two years later when my second born daughter was diagnosed with cancer. She was 11 years old and a beautiful sweet child. Eleven months later much like her mother she died in our living room. Once again I began to wonder what kind of God had I decided to believe in when I was thirteen? If He loves me why does it feel like the opposite?

Then in 2005 my son was 15 and he was disgnosed with cancer. We spent the next year at MD Anderson. Thankfully he was cured yet 12 years later he is still living with an extremely high risk of getting cancer again.

There are many other circumstances that I have left out including a brief second marraige that blessed me with another son but only lasted two years as she abandoned us shortly after my daughters funeral.

Severe financial hardahip due to all the above. Broken relationships ,friends like Job’s who judged me and wrote me off. More losses like my brother, 15 year old nephew, Dad, stepfather, and another brother.

By the time all this had happened I was living in deep dispair and had come to trust my circumstances more than God amd His word. Finally one day I screamed out at God while on my knees crying and said ” God I thought you were suppose to love me so why do I feel like you hate me? ”

It wasnt an audible voice but it was just as clear as could be, God brought to my mind the passage in Job where he says ” where were you when I spread the stars across the universe? when I caused the oceans to only go so far amd stop on the beach. Where are you while I am feeding and taking care of all my creation each day? He reminded me that I am just a man , a creature created by the soveriegn God of the universe. He said I love you! I have told you over and over in the Bible. 

I showed you when I came to earth and became man and lived and died for you on the cross. You must decide if you are going to trust me or your corcumstances.

That day I chose to trust God. I was still angry for all that had happened and I still didn’t like what happened and I doubt I ever will, but I knew for me I had no other choice. 

I wasn’t about to reject God and the Bible. I started reading my bible again daily for the first time in about 10 years. Slowly I began to trust God. I started going back to church. I had never stopped completely but hadn’t been attending regularly for several years. 

Slowly but surely I was beginning to believe God loved me.
On October 19th 2015 my 17 year old son from my second wife shot himself in the heart while laying on my bed in my bedroom. I was at work at the time but was soon notified that something was wrong . I raced home still not knowing what was going on and met the police outside my home. We went in together and I and a policeman walked into my room and found my son.
I fell to the ground in shock and grief screaming and crying out in pain not wanting to believe my own eyes.

In the past I had always viewed the tradgedies as confirmation that no one loved me amd no one could be trusted, not. even God.
However, this time I remebered the day three years earlier when God said trust me and not your circumstances and so I did. It wasnt easy, as matter of fact it was and still is very difficult.

But this is where it gets good and this is what I meant when I said God has changed my point of view and it is radically changing me.
Over the past year and a half simce my son died every time I miss him, grieve for him, or my wife and daughter and all the other stuff in my life instead of letting it push me away from God I see it as God calling me to Himself. Saying I love you! Cast all your cares upon me and let me care for you. When I am lonely since now all my children are grown and I live alone I hear God saying ” I promised I would never leave you or forsake you , Draw near to me and I will draw near to you. When I need direction I remember to ” lean not on my own understanding but trust the Lord with all your heart and He will direct your path”. 
I have always been stubborn and it has taken me 58 years to learn to trust God, to listen, and I am still learning to obey but I am finding a sweet amd deep fellowship with Christ.  The more I see events as God calling me saying David trust me, draw near to me , let me love you, let me show you how deep and wide my love for you is the better it gets.
When my son died the first week or two I just sang over and over Jesus loves me this I know for the Bible tells me so . I still sing it often and believe it more amd more each time.
I pray if you read this and you are hurting or struggling you will be encouraged and learn from myexperience  what I wish I had learned along time ago. Jesus loves you no matter what your circumstamces are. 

He is calling you to trust Him so He can show you how much. Please  ask Him to help you now. Trust Him and He will never let you down. Turn every temptation to sin , every hurt, every concern into Him reminding you of your need for a relationship with Him. Instead of turning away turn to Him and watch your life be transformed.

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Uncategorized

Who Are You?

 Some things I’ve learned while living this lifeWhen you have five children it’s best to have a wife. 
I know cause I had one so beautiful and sweet. She loved my children and she was truly a treat.

 She was a precious gem truly one of a kind. I’ll never forget her she’s always on my mind

 Children bring so much joy and loveThey also bring wisdom sent from above. 

They quickly changed my point of view. Each day I woke up and learned something new

 Looking back some things I would do

Instead of worry so much about how they’d turn out I ‘d spend more time praying and learn not to shout! 

I would do my best to be man of faith and character too . I’d look myself in the mirror and say man who are you.

So many decisions and choices, I didn’t know what to do ? Looking back the decisions for them were not so important as  when my children looked at my life and asked dad who are you?

 I’ve worried so much about how they would be when all along They were staring at me. 

Do you believe the things that you say? When  their mom died did you get on your knees and pray?

It’s  not what you say it’s what you do because  all of your children are looking at you. 

 

 

 

 

 

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Faith, family, human interest

I was Mad at God until He reminded me who He is and who I am

One day back around 2006 I was fighting with all I had left to survive as a single father of five children. Ten years before then, I was happily married to the woman of my dreams and we were expecting our fith child. Life could not  have been much better, I had a good job , a great marriage , four beautiful children,  and one on the way. 

Then one day we found out my 28 year old wife had breast cancer. Two and a half years later she died at the young age of 31. I and my children were devastated. 

Three years later My eleven year old daughter was also diagnosed with cancer and eleven months later she died on November 15, 1999. Once again I and my children were devastated. 

Fast forward to 2006 and that’s when the years of grief  and struggling to survive as a single father finally began to crush me, as if Gods steam roller was flattening me out one more time. 

I was overwhelmed, angry , and felt God was not treating me the way I deserved to be treated. Which I realize now was true,  if God was fair and I got whàt I deserved I would be lost and on my way to hell. 

But that day I had just had all I could take, and I fell on my knees and began screaming at God “what are you trying to do to me, I thought you loved me are you trying to kill me, do you hate me? I can’t take any more,  please God have mercy on me !”

And then God brought this portion of the bible to my mind and humbled me the same way he humbled Job.  

I read it again today, and remembered how God revealed Himself to me that day, and thought maybe this would encourage someone out there who is wondering if God has forgotten them? 

He has not and never will. He reminded me that day that I am just  a man,  that He is God and his words are true . He says He loves me and He loves you and no matter what our circumstances say, God says He loves us. 

He is the  sovereign creator of our universe and we are His creatures , He promises that He loves us and if we trust in Him and believe Him he will take care of us. 

When I finished reading this I felt humbled and silly for questioning God. I also asked God to forgive me for not trusting Him. Finally I was comforted having been reminded I was just a man whose life was in the hands of my awesome and loving creator!

Job 38

1 Then the LORD answered Job out of the storm. He said:2 “Who is this that darkens my counsel with words without knowledge?3 Brace yourself like a man; I will question you, and you shall answer me.4 “Where were you when I laid the earth’s foundation? Tell me, if you understand.5 Who marked off its dimensions? Surely you know! Who stretched a measuring line across it?6 On what were its footings set, or who laid its cornerstone–7 while the morning stars sang together and all the angels shouted for joy?8 “Who shut up the sea behind doors when it burst forth from the womb,9 when I made the clouds its garment and wrapped it in thick darkness,10 when I fixed limits for it and set its doors and bars in place,11 when I said, ‘This far you may come and no farther; here is where your proud waves halt’?12 “Have you ever given orders to the morning, or shown the dawn its place,13 that it might take the earth by the edges and shake the wicked out of it?14 The earth takes shape like clay under a seal; its features stand out like those of a garment.15 The wicked are denied their light, and their upraised arm is broken.16 “Have you journeyed to the springs of the sea or walked in the recesses of the deep?17 Have the gates of death been shown to you? Have you seen the gates of the shadow of death ?18 Have you comprehended the vast expanses of the earth? Tell me, if you know all this.19 “What is the way to the abode of light? And where does darkness reside?20 Can you take them to their places? Do you know the paths to their dwellings?21 Surely you know, for you were already born! You have lived so many years!22 “Have you entered the storehouses of the snow or seen the storehouses of the hail,23 which I reserve for times of trouble, for days of war and battle?24 What is the way to the place where the lightning is dispersed, or the place where the east winds are scattered over the earth?25 Who cuts a channel for the torrents of rain, and a path for the thunderstorm,26 to water a land where no man lives, a desert with no one in it,27 to satisfy a desolate wasteland and make it sprout with grass?28 Does the rain have a father? Who fathers the drops of dew?29 From whose womb comes the ice? Who gives birth to the frost from the heavens30 when the waters become hard as stone, when the surface of the deep is frozen?31 “Can you bind the beautiful Pleiades? Can you loose the cords of Orion?32 Can you bring forth the constellations in their seasons or lead out the Bear with its cubs?33 Do you know the laws of the heavens? Can you set up [God’s] dominion over the earth?34 “Can you raise your voice to the clouds and cover yourself with a flood of water?35 Do you send the lightning bolts on their way? Do they report to you, ‘Here we are’?36 Who endowed the heart with wisdom or gave understanding to the mind ?37 Who has the wisdom to count the clouds? Who can tip over the water jars of the heavens38 when the dust becomes hard and the clods of earth stick together?39 “Do you hunt the prey for the lioness and satisfy the hunger of the lions40 when they crouch in their dens or lie in wait in a thicket?41 Who provides food for the raven when its young cry out to God and wander about for lack of food?

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Faith, human interest, Uncategorized

Uber Drivers know who’s been naughty and who’s been nice

When I am not writing I am often riding in my Prius V as a Driver for Uber. Hopefully by now you have at least heard of Uber or used Uber ride share service. If not I will briefly explain. Uber is an app on your phone you can download for free. Once you download the app you have to register with your information and put a credit card on file. Once you have registered you may begin using the app. The way it works is anytime you need a ride somewhere you open the app and request a trip. The app automatically sends the request to the nearest driver like me.

Drivers are independent contractors who sign up to provide rides using their own vehicles, gas, and insurance. To be a driver you must pass a background check and driving record check. You also must have a decent car and a smart phone.

Since the app is designed to send your trip request to the nearest driver you will usually be picked up in ten minutes or less. The app shows you a picture of your driver and the model of car he is driving along with his name and license plate number so you don’t get in the wrong car.

Once your in the car you can give the driver directions or before you get in you can load your destination into the app. A new feature now is you can request certain songs to be played while on your trip.

Uber has been highly successful and is in every major city in the U.S.A. And over 70 countries worldwide.

I personally have been giving rides for the past seven months, over 400 of them. I love people and enjoy meeting all kinds of different people. I have met professional well known musicians, Broadway actors, people from all over the country and many other countries.

I have met very humble and kind people and some very arrogant and proud people. Although Uber has a policy of no tipping required I have found the best tippers are usually people in other service or hospitality type careers.

I always find it interesting when people ask me “is this all you do?” As if my identity is defined by my source of income. Driving for Uber allows you to see some people at their best and others at their worst.

Like the man I picked up the other night for a strip club. He looked really nice ,well dressed , late twenties or early thirties. He got in and said he was anxious to escape from the club and then began moaning in a drunken stupor ” I shouldn’t have ever gone there” . About a mile down the road he looked sick so I told him my car was brand new and suggested I would pull over. He nodded and soon was hanging out of the car throwing up on the side of a busy road where cars drove by honking and laughing at him. I was wondering how much money he spent to have such a good time?

I have had many trips like this without the vomiting part thank God. Eye Dr’s in town for a meeting also going to a strip club who were all middle aged , married with children , bragging about their conquest the previous night at the same club. I wondered what their wives were like? Also their children?

I have given many rides to college kids going out on the town after a big game. Young boys talking about using girls for sex and young girls calling themselves fresh meat!

All of these people as you can see remain anonymous. I do my best to be non judge mental and provide a safe and fun ride. That’s why they hired me not to lecture them or judge them. I do my best to love them, and accept them for the brief time they are in my car. I often share my own story when asked and that I used to do many of the things they are doing but I finally have by the Grace of God changed. Not in a condescending way just saying for me I am much happier today than when I was throwing up on the side of the road while hearing people drive by and mock me.

If Santa called me and asked whose been naughty and whose been nice I would say many have been naughty and many have been nice, some have been naughty and still they are nice, and some are just plain naughty and not nice at all . If we all got what we deserved I am afraid we might be terribly disappointed and probably a bit surprised. The good news is I am not telling Santa or anyone else what I know, the bad news is there is a God who see’s and here’s all and He is the one we should fear. The other great news is He forgives all who ask and remembers no more. That is the gift He gave us when He sent His son. It is why we celebrate Christmas each year. God bless you and Merry Christmas! Uber on!

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Faith, human interest

Many would say I should be frowning but I am smiling from ear to ear

The other day I was driving up I35 in Dallas singing a song out loud as my heart was overflowing with so much love, peace, and joy and I was thinking how grateful I am for my relationship with the creator of our universe. That he chose to love me when I didn’t love Him and felt like no one loved me. How he delivered me from a life of addiction, and has been with me through the loss of my wife and daughter and so much more. And how he is with me now and will always be with me in life and death. So since it’s almost Christmas Day I wanted to write something short and to the point that sums up what I am feeling and believe in hope that you will be encouraged to know you too are loved and to express my gratitude to God . I hope you like it.

Wow the creator of this Universe
left His home in Heaven above
He came down to His earth ,
where a Virgin Mary gave Him birth
He lived a perfect life , He never sinned

Yet he was crucified for all my sins
Three days later he rose again
He went to Heaven where He now prays for me
He has forgiven me for all my sins
Filled my heart with His great Love
I have such peace and so much Joy

Thank you Jesus for loving me
For saving me from a life full of sin and misery
I pray my life will be pleasing to you
And that many more will love you too

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Uncategorized

How to beat Cancer Now!

Living Free

I imagine if you have found your way to my site you either have cancer or someone close to you has cancer. Otherwise you wouldn’t be here. Most people don’t want anything to do with cancer including reading blogs about cancer unless they or someone they love has cancer.

I suspect you are eager to hear what qualifies me to write on this topic and even more eager to hear how or why I would make such a bold claim. So I will answer the first question by telling you my family and I have had more experience than most any family I know in dealing with cancer.

My beautiful wife and mother of my five Children was diagnosed with stage IV breast cancer when she was only twenty-eight years old and in the prime of her life. She was also pregnant with our fifth child. She had a mastectomy…

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Faith, family, human interest

How to beat Cancer Now!

imageI imagine if you have found your way to my site you either have cancer or someone close to you has cancer. Otherwise you wouldn’t be here. Most people don’t want anything to do with cancer including reading blogs about cancer unless they or someone they love has cancer.

I suspect you are eager to hear what qualifies me to write on this topic and even more eager to hear how or why I would make such a bold claim. So I will answer the first question by telling you my family and I have had more experience than most any family I know in dealing with cancer.

My beautiful wife and mother of my five Children was diagnosed with stage IV breast cancer when she was only twenty-eight years old and in the prime of her life. She was also pregnant with our fifth child. She had a mastectomy and lymph nodes removed while fifteen weeks pregnant. We were not able to start her treatment until after our baby was born six months later.

Over the next year and a half we tried many alternative forms of treatment, in and out of the United States. unfortunately  her cancer continued to spread. First to a vertebrae in her back causing her to lose her ability to walk which led to a major back surgery. She eventually regained her ability to walk however it was after a lot of therapy and painful days. When she had her back surgery our Dr. informed me the cancer was also in her liver.

Maybe at this point it would be good to tell you this wasn’t just some young woman who happened to have cancer. No this woman was the woman of my dreams, the love of my life, my best friend for the past 11 years and the best mother five children could ever ask for. She was a  beautiful woman both inside and out who had a heart full of love, peace and joy even on the darkest of days. She was a woman of great faith in her personal Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. She was loved and respected by her friends , family and all who she met.

Two and a half years after we were told she had cancer, while in a hospital bed in our den she ask for me to gather her children around her. She then told each of them she loved them and gasped her last breath and went to heaven.  Suddenly our home was overcome by a tsunami of grief as I and my children began to wail and scream as we felt the one we loved so much, the woman who I had become one with,literally being ripped away from me, and us. The pain was like nothing I had ever experienced as my heart physically felt like it was breaking inside me. Even though I had known for sometime this day might come nothing could have prepared me for the pain and anguish I, we felt.

So you may be asking yourself? Or upset with me at this point saying you didn’t beat cancer and your wife didn’t either but you would be wrong as I have only just begun to share my family’s experience with cancer. I will tell you this, if you were hoping to find a miracle cure to cancer you won’t find it here or anywhere else that I am aware of.

However,  if you want to know how to come to accept your or your loved ones condition, and how to know even in the most difficult time of your life that God really does love you,that He hasn’t forgotten you, and that you can make it through this without letting cancer destroy your spirit, then I believe I can encourage you.

I wish I could tell you that is the end of this story but for my family it was only the beginning. Two years later my second born daughter was diagnosed with a rare childhood cancer called adrenal cortical carcinoma. A cancer there is no known cure for. My daughter was only eleven years old . She too was a beautiful young girl who was a selfless , loving , and a courageous light to all those she met. Her suffering was much shorter than her mothers as she died eleven months after she was diagnosed. Once again our home filled with pain and grief, and we were still grieving the loss of their mother.

Finally in 2005 my third born child, my son who was fifteen was diagnosed with osteosarcoma another rare childhood cancer. When that happened the genetics department at M.D. Anderson came to us and explained our family history had all the characteristics of an extremely rare disorder called Li-fraumeni syndrome. They asked if we would allow them to test my son for the gene and if he was a carrier be a part of a study they were conducting.  He agreed to the test and he does have the gene. We are a Li- fraumeni family. You can google Li-fraumeni and learn more than I can explain except that there are only about sixty known families in the world who carry this gene with about four hundred people diagnosed with cancer from that group. A carrier of the gene like my wife, daughter, and son have a 90% chance of getting cancer.

I am very grateful to report my son is our first cancer survivor. After almost a year of treatment including multiple surgeries and intense chemotherapy he has been cancer free for nine years. I am also proud to report he graduated from the University of Notre Dame and is doing well today.

So how does one beat cancer? I personally believe without faith in Jesus Christ and in His Holy word given to us in the Bible it is impossible. It is because of my faith in Christ and the worldview I have based on His word that I have beaten cancer. I haven’t found a cure, and I may not have seen the end of my families suffering but I have learned that cancer cannot destroy me or my family.

My wife and daughter have been healed. Completely and now live in heaven in the presence of our loving God and creator. There they no longer suffer instead they live in a place where there is no suffering or tears. Yes we still miss them and grieve for them and will until we are reunited in heaven. We have learned that life on this earth is very brief and even shorter for some . That whatever suffering we endure here is only momentary light affliction in comparison to an eternity in Heaven.

We have learned that we do not always have all the answers and God is not obliged to explain everything to us . Yet His word is true and His love is certain. We have learned even when we become angry, when we scream and shout at God” this is not fair, this can’t be right” and when we doubt His love and plan He still loves us, and is even then still working in us, drawing us closer to Himself.

So I pray that if you just found out today or recently someone you love has cancer or some terminal illness that if you know Christ you will be encouraged to trust Him. That if you don’t you will seek Him out, find a Bible and ask Him to reveal Himself to you and He will.

Otherwise I fear for you as I can surely say without Christ cancer would have killed me !

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